Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and
check on me every day. He is from India and is very concerned about
my car warranty
I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, “I’ll
bet a doughnut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness.
(Mark Twain)
It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy
the illusion that I’m a nice person.
Sorry that I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to!
It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re
supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that now.
It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one
bite of rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “Sir, you need to leave!”
One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older
adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because
it is, you know, a really good box.
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years
in a row, now.
If you drop something when you were younger, you just picked it up.
When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a
bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen
counter, and then guess what’s on the list when I am at the store.
A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of
its throat. Ever think about that? No, you only think about
yourself.
My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally I serve turkey,
but, hey, if it will make them happy.
Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is bad for you.
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife’s spice rack. I’m not in
trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you
treated her on your first date. So tonight after dinner I’m dropping
her off at her parent’s house.
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.
I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off
the terrible chest pains I keep getting.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure
of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Driver: “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?”
Officer, “Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.
I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He
said, “I’ll see,” & walked away. I asked another & he also said,
“I’ll see,” & walked away In the end, I gave up & found them myself,
in Aisle C.
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two (2) places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that’s where the little liar
will stay until it apologizes.
When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how
someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got Facebook.
(or Instagram or X)
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, “That
can’t be accurate!”
I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation with “Maybe next time”
isn’t the correct response.
A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks,
“How long do you need them?” The guy answers, “A long time. We’re
gonna build a house.”
I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what
to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of
your life until you die?
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when
they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
So my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. 3AM!!! Luckily I
was already up playing the bagpipes.
Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of “The
Hoarders,” and think, “Wow! My house looks great.”