Category: Humor

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.” The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” […]

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back. 3 – Half the people you know are below average. 4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 […]

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call andcheck on me every day.  He is from India and is very concerned aboutmy car warranty I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, “I’llbet a doughnut wouldn’t have done this to me.” Nothing spoils a good […]

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. 2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. 3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before. 4. If it […]

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. -Phyllis Diller The reason […]

Dear Son, I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won’t be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived […]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT […]

My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’ She sighed and […]

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear. I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… so she hugged me. My wife says I only have 2 faults. […]