Lewis Grizzard, Jr. (October 20, 1946 – March 20, 1994)
Bad luck is meeting your date’s father and realizing he’s the pharmacist you bought condoms from that afternoon.
How can I trust a bank to keep my money safe when it has dozens of pens stolen every day?
I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
The world around me is a tuxedo, and I’m a pair of brown shoes.
It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
“If you want something sweet, order the pound cake. Anybody who puts sugar in the cornbread is a heathen who doesn’t love the Lord, not to mention Southeastern Conference football.”
“I can’t explain why, but a whiskey sour is a drink for a man whose mother made him practice piano a lot when he was a kid. A man who drinks whiskey sours also probably throws a baseball like a girl—limp wristed. A man who drinks whiskey sours and then eats that silly little cherry they put in the bottom probably has a cat or a poodle for a pet. In other words, I wouldn’t go on a camping trip with a man who drinks whiskey sours. Scotch drinkers are aggressive. They order like they’re Charles Bronson trying to have a quick shot before returning to the subway to kill a few punks and thugs. “What’ll you have, sir?” asks the bartender. “Cutty. Water. Rocks. Twist,” growls the Scotch drinker. I think maybe Scotch drinkers wear their underwear too tight. You have to watch people who drink vodka or gin. “Anybody who drinks see-through whiskey,” an old philosopher once said, “will get crazy.” Indeed. Vodka and gin drinkers are the type who leave the house to get a loaf of bread, drop by the bar for just one, and return home six weeks later. With the bread. I wouldn’t go on a camping trip with anyone who drinks vodka or gin, either. They’re the types who would invite snakes, raccoons and bears over for cocktails and then wind up getting into an argument about tree frogs. Bourbon drinkers never grow up. Eight out of ten started drinking bourbon with Coke in school and still have a pair of saddle oxfords in the closet. Bourbon drinkers don’t think they’ve had a good time unless they get sick and pass out under a coffee table. Then there are the white wine drinkers. Never get involved in any way with them. They either want to get married, sell you a piece of real estate or redecorate your house.”
― Lewis Grizzard, Shoot Low, Boys – They’re Ridin’ Shetland Ponies
`To be perfectly honest, I’ve always gotten along better with dogs than with women.’